


Braindead Bandits

by GenericAuthorName



Category: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Character Bashing, Gen, Hearthfire DLC, Kidnapping, Ransom, Rants, Stupidity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-24
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-12-07 00:02:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18227216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GenericAuthorName/pseuds/GenericAuthorName
Summary: The Dragonborn's thoughts about Rochelle kidnapping their spouse.





	Braindead Bandits

Dear Rochelle the Red, You’re fucking stupid.  
  
You broke into my estate. You rightly figured my place would be teeming full of riches, and as bandits, you like to pillage and steal. Fine. I get that.  
  
But 5000 coins? That’s it? Are you fucking kidding me?   
  
You didn’t steal the hundreds of precious gems, or the tons of gold and silver bullion, even though it’s worth _at least_ several hundred thousand septims.  
  
My collection of divine artifacts — legendary items literally made by the gods? Ignored like worthless filth.    
  
Or, for that matter, what about the armor and weapons from my personal armory. Swords sharp enough to slice men in half with a single strike, warhammers that’ll crush a giant’s head like a walnut, bows that’ll shoot dragons out of the sky in a single shot, and complete sets of armor made from dragon bones? You didn’t care.  
  
If you thought this through, it would have been the most profitable heist in Skyrim history. You’d have bought your own private island and lived the rest of your life total luxury and never have to lift a damn finger ever again. Instead, you kidnapped my spouse and demand an absolute pittance of a ransom. Even if I paid it, you’d piss all 5000 septims away on booze and skooma before the month ends.  
  
I’ll be coming to your little hideout all right. Maybe once I’m there you’ll regret not stealing all those nice weapons I’ll be killing you with. By the way, the only reason I knew where you were is because you told me in the ransom letter. You could’ve just disappeared without a trace after stealing my stuff.


End file.
